The ganguro, or 'black face' movement of the late 90's and early 2000's, a phenomenon unique to Japan, spawned a creature so strange, so frightening, that they were given the nickname 'Yamamba', or 'Mountain Hag'. Their unique look comes from not only a desire to distance themselves from the traditional Japanese view of feminine grace, but also a desire adopt a look thought to be typical of Hawaiian or Californian American girls. Lengthy tanning sessions and loads of foundation provide a dark complexion, which they contrast with white or pale blue and pink makeup, and platinum blonde hair. The platform shoes, sandals, and boots, or 'atzukoku' that they are typically seen wearing are almost as tall as my own!

These strange and beautiful creatures were thought to have become extinct by the end of 2001, but our sources tell us otherwise.

Our fashion coordinator in Japan, Matsuda Otada, combed the streets of every major city in the land of the rising sun, acquired information from the Yakuza Syndicate, and procured evidence from dance clubs around the country, all of which point to one conclusion: The Yamambas have retreated to an underground lair under the service of Mariah Carey.

Now before you disregard this claim, consider the evidence:

Mariah has suffered a recent Mental Breakdown, which we believe to be a cheap excuse to oversee construction of her gigantic, butterfly-shaped underground city called 'Dreamlover Glitter Land'.

Mariah has long been blieved to be a Wiccan of immense power. The imagery in any of her music videos and the titles of her consequent albums clearly back this statement up.

It is believed that she used her vast power to cast 'Charm' en masse and hypnotized a veritable army of scantily-clad Japanese teenagers with bad perms and big shoes.

Right now you may be asking 'Why would young, freaky Japanese women give a crap about Mariah Carey, and why would Mariah concentrate on such a small subculture when she could use her powers on her more numerous American fans?'. Well the answer is simple, really. Para-para.

Para-para is a dance popular among the ganguro scene in Japan. The dance involves many complicated and coordinated movements of the hands and arms to the throbbing sounds of 'Eurobeat', a form of dance music. When performed in groups, we believe that the movements may be some form of primitive shamanism, and is used to summon the ancient spirits of war and fashion. This fact was verified by our own Mystical Correspondent, Barbara Eden.

The future looks bleak for Japan's underground nightlife and America's mainstream music industry. If Carey ascends to the throne of Grand High Yamamba, the streets of Tokyo may soon be crowded with more microskirts and plastic jewelry than Joe's closet.

I think this image speaks for itself.