Q. How often is DOOM updated?
A. We at DOOM update on a strictly "whenever the hell we feel like it" schedule. For a while, we were trying monthly releases, but that posed a problem. We couldn't really gain faithful readers moving that slow, but at the same time, none of the staff really has the time to release complete "issues" weekly or bi-weekly. After three regular "issues", we decided to instead just update a couple times a week; whenever a staff member feels moved to write and article, we write it and update it. All in all, the same amount of material that would go into our old "issues" will be posted within a month's time.

Q. Are you looking for more staff?
A. Let's review- we have one world dictator, one magic-slinging opera bitch, and one misogynist bastard on staff already, not to mention the others. Do YOU think this magazine has any more ego room? No. It doesn't. Sorry. If we want more staff, we'll make some sort of announcement.

Q. Is Joe REALLY that promiscuous?
A. Somewhat. As you read DOOM, you'll start to pick up on a lot of in-jokes that just keep running along. Joe has quite the track record, but I assure you, he generally doesn't spew placenta in the faces of random gang-bangers (except on nickel beer night)... and even if he did, it's likely you'd STILL sleep with him.

Q. Need any help with your site?
A. Um, excuse me? Oh yes, we have just been waiting and WAITING for someone with all you have to offer to come along and lead us into internet salvation! We may be amateurs, but we're not handicapped for God's sake. So watch it. Don't insult our layout and we wont insult your mother (won't insult her, no, but we may still publish those centerfolds she posed for.. hehehe)

Q. Is the Diva a boy or a girl? I can't tell.
A. I was about to ask you the same thing.

Q. Where did you get the idea for DOOM?
A. Well, once again, another big in-joke. Long long ago, before any of you fools began to annoy me, there was a photoshoot I did with Antonius, and just for the hell of it, we made it into a magazine cover- the cover for DOOM Magazine. Well, we all thought it was pretty funny, so more were made. Eventually, we decided to make a REAL magazine, and I think the rest is fairly obvious.

Q. Where do you get off, you big jerk?
A. Is that a pun? I usually get off in the bathroom, but I know Antonius prefers the parlor, and Joe likes doing it in rooms with air. That IS what you meant, right?

Q. We wanna see a picture of the real Dollface!
A. Tough shit, Caligula.

Q. You reviewed my site/webcomic, and I don't like what I see. I want you to take that page down.
A. I laugh in your face! ha-HA! If you put it in public, you should be open to anything, bucko, especially criticism. I don't like your site, and I'm not making YOU take it down, am I? Now get out of here, go lick your wounds, foolish small-minded goatherd!

Q. Can I write an article?
A. How many times to I have to say it? NO. Blind prostitutes couldn't suck worse!

Q. But everyone thinks I'm funny! I'd be perfect!
A. Oh ho ho ho, you could NEVER be perfect.

Q. What should I wear today?
A. Well, vertical stripes make you look slimmer, but then you end up looking like Beetlejuice... that's kind of a tough one... Are you going to be doing any moving or anything, because if not I think a corset would be the perfect look!

Q. I like Tori Amos!
A. THAT'S NOT A QUESTION. Ugh. Now I'm all sick.

Q. I want my money back.
A. And I suppose you want your dignity back, too.

Q. Are the staff members real people?
A. Naaah, they're all puppets- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Q. Are there any female DOOM staff members?
A. Miseria, Diva, and Dollface could be in a pinch... hell, who am I kidding, we're just a big gothic group of girlfriends.

Q. Well, in all seriousness, I think DOOM could use a woman's touch.
A. Ok... for starters
A) Please, we're female done RIGHT.
B) The last thing Antonius wants is some woman touching him.
and C) Would you all just stop trying to weasel your way into the staff? God, get your own breakroom and donuts, you freaks!
(Dollface adds: Joe did add his own female touch, but it smelled bad, so we washed it off ^.^)

Q. Do you really bite people's necks and suck their blood?
A. Heavens no, we aren't SAVAGES! Usually we just drug them and use the Pump!

Q. Does the Diva read her fanmail?
A. Only the stuff she writes to herself. Something about the "perfect and strangely sensual" penmanship she has...
(Diva adds: "Ohh ho ho ho ho ho!")

Q. I have some random question to ask you and I keep trying to contact you, but you keep blocking me.
A. Whatever it is, my answer is the exact opposite of what you want to hear.

Q. What's with Dollface? How did such a nice person end up with the likes of you?
A. We had a quota. We needed one more masked geisha impersonator to get government funding.

Q. Hey, I've never even heard of that Emperor Antonius guy, and I certainly didn't vote for him!
A. Uh oh... I know someone who's going to end up as a garden light at the next summer ball!