Mr. Takamora's tale is not an uncommon one, at least not in the span of the last three months. Fishermen all over the world have reported being attacked by mysterious creatures intent on taking the life of every man on deck.

But what are these bizarre savages? Could they be mermaids? Kraken? Or perhaps even the fabled Japanese sea dragon, Gojira (known mistakenly as Godzilla by many stupid Americans)?

"We believe these attacks are being staged by an unusual and incredibly rare creature known as the 'deep sea lesbian'" states US Coast Guard official, Michael Anderson.

Excuse us, what?

"Many people are completely unaware that while they are out at sea, they are in constant danger of attacks by these aquatic lesbians" states Anderson. "Although unbelievable, I assure you, they are very real."

But what exactly are these deep sea lesbians? We contacted paranormalist and occult expert Barbara Eden on this matter. Ms. Eden was more than willing to offer us information.

"Oh, they're tough ones! I've fought off a lot of nasty creatures before, but these ones really take the cake as far as aquatic beasts go. One minute they'll be sitting on a rock, bitching about how they hate those dumb blonde anorexics, the mermaids, and playing electric guitar to drive away the sailors, and then the next they'll be all over me like flies on shit!" explains Ms. Eden. "It can take entire books of spells just to blast them off of you! One time, they almost cropped all my hair off, and they almost got away with it- THANK GOD for X-Zone! And that flannel is really resistant to physical damage- it's like a carapace!"

Further research reveals that deep sea lesbians date as far back as ancient Greece- after a great disagreement over lipstick on the island of Lesbos, many of the Lesbians chartered ships to take them to their own colony- but were never heard from again. Many historians believe it is possible that these vagabonds were somehow pulled to the ocean's floor by an unknown phenomenon, where they survived in an air pocket for several centuries. Over time, they evolved and became aquatic, transforming them into the big butch killing machines they are today.

But why is that sailors aren't being warned about this?

"Sailors are like Rice Krispy treats. Everyone wants one. We figured between the gay men, Joan Crawford, and the deep sea lesbians, there was no way we could stop them from going missing. Granted, having to worry about being forced into a life of demeaning sexual slavery AND death at the hands of angry lesbians is something one should be warned about, but everyone back at the office was too busy playing Snood to get the memo out in time." explained Anderson. "I guess that's what we at the Coast Guard call an 'oops'."

3/03