His Holiness told the press that the latest change in the sacred text was brought about by the decline in members of the Catholic faith between the ages of 14-25. "We keep losing believers over to that damn Wicca religion!" Said the Pope, face red with anger. "They used to count the beads on their rosaries while saying 'Hail Mary's. Now they worship vaginas and make cornstalk dolls imbued with the power of Satan!"

No official release date has been declared by the Vatican, but we do, however, have a name. The new Christian Bible will be titled "Jammin' out with Jesus." The Question that remains may make or break this new Bible: Will 5,000 year old stories, even rewritten to appeal to a younger audience, be enough to capture the attention of our angsty, jaded, ceremonial robe-wearing youth? We'll let you be the judge.

Here now, a DOOM Exclusive: Passages from this most gnarly of texts: "Jammin' with Jesus."

Genesis 1: The Creation 'In the beginning, there wasn't SHIT. So God got off his chip eatin' ass and said "YO, BITCH! TURN ON THE LIGHT!" And there was light. And he saw that it was good, so he said "Damn, I'm good." Then God said "My feet are wet…let's get some land up in this motha!" And so there grew land to separate the waters from the waters, and God saw that it was good.'

'Then god said "I know! I'll make a man in my own image. I'll call him LaRon.. I'll make him king of the earth and shit." And he created LaRon in his own image, and saw that it was good. LaRon called out to God: "YO! GOD! You know, I'm happy and all, but damn…I need some motha fuckin putang!" "You my boy, I got your back, LaRon!" Replied God, and so God created Shaniqua in his own image, and LaRon and Shaniqua screwed, and God saw that it was good.'

No more information is available at this time. You can reserve your copy of 'Jammin' with Jesus' at your local bookstores.

In related news, The Mormon Church, in an effort to keep up with the Catholic Church, is also re-writing their own Mormon Bible. As with 'Jammin' with Jesus', there is no official release date, but sources indicate that the new Mormon Bible is entitled "Ph33r J3zuz, th3 l33t G0d" and will only be available on the internet in PDD format.

Diva of Destruction appears courtesy of DOOM Magazine
The Pope appears courtesy of centuries of oppression, murder, scandal, heierarchy, and 'holy' wars.
10/02